10 Things: Twilight Style
by a little erratic
Summary: Lists of 10 things such as: 10 Things the Volturi Frequently do, 10 Things Edward Does while Bella Sleeps, and 10 Cullen Nicknames! Which Twilight character bought a Snuggie? Find out in Ch. 7! Companion to 10 Things: Harry Potter Style. More to come!
1. Happy 'Steal Heidi's Shoes Day!

**A/N: **Ok, I did it! I finally took 10 Things to Twilight. Yay me!! So, here she goes:

**10 Things the Volturi do on Their Downtime**

_Complete with Comments from ME! Aro!_

**10. **Have a 'Steal Heidi's Shoes' Day, where they break into her closet and walk around in her stilettos. After 'Steal Heidi's Shoes Day' they often have a 'Fix Castle Walls Because Aro fell into Them Multiple Times Because He was Wearing Two-Inch kitten Heels Night'. _Hey, that doesn't happen EVERY TIME. Sometimes I wear her ballet flats and then I don't fall as often._

**9. **The Volturi actually run a charity daycare center! How benevolent (look it up) of them! _I do love the little human fleshbags!_

**8. **In circumstances "completely unrelated" to number 9, they often have baby-eating contests. Felix is the reigning champ. _I'm in second place. Just wait until next week, Felix! I'm gonna kick your little white baby-eating ass!_

**7**. They like to have old-fashioned sleepovers complete with sleeping bags and girl talk! Caius braids everyone's hair while they rock out to Britney Spears. _She is such a great girl. It really stinks that she's having such a tough couple of years. I keep telling Caius and Marcus that we should change her . . .she could be useful, but they won't have it. Party poopers!_

**6. **Force Heidi to accompany an acne-prone chess club captain human boy to his junior prom for the entertainment of the rest of the Volturi. _Now, THAT was interesting. Heidi was a mini-mini-mini skirt and when the poor boy came to pick her up, he went into a girl-induced coma and has yet to wake up. We felt a little bit bad about that, but don't worry. We sent him a fruit basket._

**5. **Since (technically) everyone in the Volturi is a senior citizen, they have a Senior Citizen Happy Hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They play bingo and shuffleboard and drink prune juice. _Wow, we've had some pretty crazy Happy Hours. We used to have this guy Jeff who was in the guard, but he drank all the prune juice and Jane and Alec killed him. Wow. Crazy nights._

**4.** Seriously confuse humans down in the village. _That's it? That's all the information you're going to give on that one? PATHETIC! Anyway, this one time, there were these two humans, one guy and one girl, down in the village talking to each other, and every time the guy touched the girl, Jane would send agonizing pain to the girl. The girl broke up with the guy and ran screaming "You are a monster! MONSTER!" Then we followed the guy around all day and did the same thing to everyone he touched, so eventually he decided that he wasn't fit for human company and ran screaming into the mountains, "I'M A MONSTER!" We felt a little bit bad about that too, so we sent him a 'Feel Better' teddy bear and some balloons._

**3. **Kidnap the cast of 'High School Musical' and force them to perform the entire movie whenever they are called to do so. _That's the best entertainment there is. That Zac Efron is SOOO dreamy! He kinda reminds me of that one Mike Newton kid . . .wait a second, how do I know Mike Newton? I'M SO CONFUSED!_

**2. **With their enhanced senses, the Volturi are quite the Guitar Heroes. _That's RIGHT! I'd forgotten. I totally tricked out my wireless Guitar Hero guitar. I've got like My Chemical Romance stickers on it . . . and bleeding hearts and skulls and stuff. Oh, yeah. I'm a total badass._

**1. **Spy on Bella and laugh every time she falls and/or every time she and Edward have a fluffy 'I love you!' scene. _I can't blame the poor girl for liking that Cullen boy. He IS quite the fox._


	2. SHOPPING

**10 Cliche Out-of-Characters!**

Written in form of conversation _italicsBella_RegularOOC Character

**10. Idiot Emmett**

_Hi Emmett!_

QUICK! RUN BELLA! THE ELVES ARE COMING!

_They are?_

No!

_Then why are we running?_

Aro gave me the idea to have a 'Burn All of Rosalie's Shoes Day!' But for some reason, now Rosalie is mad at me!

_I thought it was just 'STEAL All of Rosalie's Shoes Day!'_

Ooooh, that explains it.

**9. Emo Jasper**

_Jasper? What's with the eyeliner and brooding expression_?

Emotions overwhelm me. I cannot help but to feel hopeless.

_What the heck did you do to your wrists?!_

I tried to cut myself. It didn't work because I can't bleed.

_Why would you do THAT?_

It's the only way to release the pain built up inside of me. It gets to be too much to live with sometimes.

_You don't have to live with it!_

I don't?

_No!_

Really?

_Yeah! You don't have to live with it because you're dead!_

I hate you.

**8. Shopping Addict Alice**

_Hi, Alice!_

SHOPPING.

_What do you want to do today?_

SHOP.

_Have you had any visions?_

MUST SHOP NOW.

_You're no fun!_

SHOPPING IS FUN.

**7. Total Bitch Rosalie**

_Rosalie! What's new?_

I hate you! You're so ----ing ugly! Who the hell do you think you are?

_Bella Swan?_

More like Bella Ugly Duckling! You disgust me!

_I'm sorry?_

You should be! Get out of my sight you beast!

_I love you too, Rosalie._

**6. Rapist Jacob**

_I see that heading says 'rapist'. You aren't actually going to rape me are you?_

Uh . . .not right now. There are witnesses.

_Why would you rape me anyway?_

So you can get pregnant.

_Why would I do that??_

Ask the million people who have written a story in which you get pregnant.

_Freaky._

Totally.

**5. BFF Rosalie**

Hey Bella!

_. . . Rosalie? Aren't you disgusted by me?_

No, silly! Let's go hang out or something, 'kay?

_Is this a joke?_

No, check out the heading!

_This is really weird._

Ooh, let's get manicures!! Or pedicures! This is going to be so much fun!

_Edward!! Help!!_

**4. Weirdly Protective and Just Generally OOC Edward**

_Hey Edward! Let's go for a walk!_

No, babe, you might hurt yourself.

_Babe? That's different . . . and I'll be fine! Can I go see Jacob if we can't go for a walk?_

Naw, honey, you better just stay here wrapped in bubble wrap from head to toe. I don't want you to get sick or hurt or nothin'.

_But I HATE the bubble wrap!_

**3. Man-stealing Tanya**

Bella, you better watch out. Edward is MINE.

_R-Really??_

Duh! I'm absolutely perfect! You're just a little brunette human!

_But Edward said that he LIKED brunettes!_

Psh . . .he LIED TO YOU!

_I'm going to go jump off the cliff again!_

_(Later)_

Edward: Tanya, where's Bella?

_Uh . . . she got hit by a truck. Yeah . . .that's it._

Edward: ... well that sucks. Off to the Volturi I go! La dee dah dee dah . . .

**2. Total Klutz Bella (**_**italics are Edward):**_

_Yay! Now that I'm in-character, let's go for a walk._

Woah! I just tripped over air!

_Careful!_

Woah, I just randomly ran into a wall!

_Bella . . ._

I just fell down the stairs and almost died!

_Carlisle . . . can you give Bella an at-home drug test, please?_

**1. Totally Accepting Charlie (P.S. **_**italics **_**are back to Bel-la-la-la-laaah)**

_Hey Dad! Edward got me pregnant! And/or Jacob raped me and got me pregnant! And/or Mike drugged me at a party and got me pregnant!_

Well, that's unexpected! Get me a beer, would ya, Bells?

_Hey Dad! Edward's a vampire! And/or Jacob is a werewolf! And/or Mike is gay!_

That explains a lot! What's for dinner?

_Hey Dad! Edward and I are getting married and he's going to make me a vampire! And/or Jacob jumped off a cliff! And/or Mike is REALLY REALLY gay!_

Congratulations! Please don't suck my blood out. Did you remember to shut the garage door? It was open when I got home.

_Hey Dad! Thanks for being so understanding!_

No problem! All the 'hip' and 'groovy' parents let their kids be vampires, right?

_Sure, Dad. Whatever you say._

_**A/N: Yay! It's over! Huzzah! Anyway, much funnier than last chapter, if I do say so me-self. Review and suggestions are always appreciated! Except if you say "Good chapter. Update" at LEAST tell me your favorite one or...SOMETHING! Anyway, bye! **_


	3. Jasper and the Potted Palm

**A/N**: Hey people! I'm -kinda- BACK! I missed writing 10 Things . . . soooo I'm doing it again! Once in a while. Megz promised to upload this for me (Cuz she's awesome). So ENJOY!!

**Top 10 Pictures in the Cullen 'Newborn Book'**

Rosalie: Ugh, Nessie's baby book is finally DONE!

Alice: YAY! Let's go put it in a bookshelf somewhere!

Rosalie: Hey, Esme, what's this?

Esme: Ooh! That's the Newborn Book!

Rose: Huh? Since when do we have a Newborn Book?

Esme: WE'VE ALWAYS HAD A NEWBORN BOOK. ALWAYS.

Alice: ...Ok...Let's take a look!

Edward/Bella/Carlisle/Emmett/Jasper: We want to look too!

Esme: Yay! Everyone's talking in unison!

**10. Edward Learning to Ride a Bike-** _Edward rides a tricycle through the park in Chicago, laughing like a giddy schoolgirl while Carlisle runs behind him, cheering him on._

Esme: Aww . . . look how little he is.

Edward: Esme, I was seventeen.

Esme: Shut up.

Jasper: Esme, was this before you were with them?

Esme: Yes, I think so.

Jasper: Who took the picture?

Carlisle: A thug named Da Money. We lived in a bad neighborhood.

_(Silence)_

Carlisle: It's hard being a single father who is also a vampire and doctor!

Jasper: Why does Edward get to be first in the baby book anyway? _I'm _the oldest!

Esme: But you were off being a bloodthirsty savage while our little golden child was learning to ride his bike, now weren't you?

Edward: Mommy likes me better! Mommy likes me better!

Carlisle: Edward, stop being such a suck-up.

**9. Rosalie Wants a New Dress**- _Rosalie pounds her fists on a department store floor in front of the dress racks, wailing like a banshee._

Emmett: Wow, Rose, you were a brat.

Rosalie: Daddy wouldn't buy me the pink one!

Carlisle: The car was full! I didn't have room for another dress!

Rosalie: I hate you!

Carlisle: I'll buy you _two_ dresses next time we go out, all right, dear?

Rosalie: Sniff _May_be that would be okay...

Emmett: Wow, Rose, you're still a brat.

**8. Emmett in his Emmett-House** - _Emmett waves from the door of a large doghouse. _

Emmett: I miss my Emmett-House. It reminded me of my hillbilly roots.

Bella: Why was Emmett in a doghouse?

Esme: He couldn't take a step in the main house without putting a hole in the floor. He basically demolished our entire home four seconds after he was changed.

Emmett: I was a MONSTER! (Screams in horror).

Esme: The strength wore off in about a year, and then you got to move back in. It all worked out.

Rosalie: Not before the toy store incident, though.

**7. Emmett in the Toy Store- **_Emmett cries, holding Carlisle's detached arm. Carlisle grimaces in the background._

Emmett: I WAS A MONSTER!

Carlisle: It's ok, Emmett, you just got a little overexcited and removed my left arm pulling on me to hurry up so you could get a new toy. It happens. I fused myself back together eventually.

Alice: What toy was so important that you needed to rip Carlisle's arm off?

Emmett: Uh...

Esme: It was the new Malibu Barbie! Oh, he played with her for _hours_...

Emmett: MOM! You promised not to tell!

**6. Jasper Hiding Behind a Potted Palm - **_Jasper hides behind a potted palm._

Esme: Oh, Jazzy, you hid back there for your first week with us, remember? You had a panic attack anytime any of us tried to come near you.

Jasper: Yeah. I remember.

Alice: You were so cute! It was like you thought you were invisible.

Jasper: Well, they were really intimidating!

Emmett: Or you were a pansy.

Jasper: HOW DARE YOU CALL A CONFEDERATE MAN A PANSY!

Alice: Jazz, calm down. The war is over.

**5. Alice's First Shopping Trip - **_Alice is mid-spring attacking a woman, who is holding a red bag._

Esme: THAT was embarrassing.

Alice: She took the last Dooney & Bourke bag! Do you KNOW how long it would have taken to ship from the warehouse? DAYS, Esme. It would have taken DAYS. I needed the purse NOW!

Esme: Alice, you got sued.

Alice: There was NO reason for her to involve the police. I gave her four thousand dollars and a fruit basket.

Jasper: You also broke her clavicle and gave her severe emotional damage.

Alice: Shut up, Pansy boy!

**4. Halloween** - _Edward is wearing a sweater-vest, Rosalie is in a wedding dress, Emmett has on overalls and no shirt, Alice is in a straightjacket, and Jasper has on a leather jacket and a Confederate flag bandana._

Bella: What were you all supposed to be?

Edward: Our human selves. I was a preppy rich kid.

Bella: Jasper, you don't look much like a Civil War soldier.

Jasper: I know. That costume was much more bad-ass.

Emmett: I miss being a hillbilly! I might stop wearing a shirt.

Alice: I hear ya, Em. That straightjacket reminded me of my shock treatments. FUN.

**3. Trip to the Petting Zoo- **_The animals are huddled in a corner, wide-eyed with fear. Emmett sits in front of them, eating a baby goat while the other siblings reach hungrily for the rest of the animals._

Carlisle (laughing): Oh, you kids. Just can't resist some good pony blood.

Bella: You ate ponies?

Edward: Er, yes?

Bella: I'm divorcing you.

Edward: B-b-b-b-but we have a baby together!

Bella: That doesn't matter! I can't stand to be married to a pony murderer!

Edward: I changed you into a vampire! You promised to be with me for all eternity! You can't back out because of a few dead ponies!

Bella: You have a point. I forgive you . . . for now. But if you slaughter one more pony I will take Renesmee and go marry one of the Volturi or something!

Edward: Ok, ok, no more ponies!

**2. Bella in Labor with Renesmee- **_Bella lays in the hospital bed covered in blood and guts with a broken spine and-_

Nessie: Did _I_ do that to Momma?

Emmett: Yep, you sure did!

Nessie: I-I'm a MONSTER! _(Runs out of the room, sobbing)_

Emmett _(calling after her)_ : It runs in the family, kid!

**1. Whole Family **- _the whole family stands by the front door. Emmett and Rose are making out in the back row. Edward is glaring at them out of the corner of his eye. Bella and Nessie are hugging. Carlisle has his hand on Esme's shoulder. Jasper is hiding being a potted palm and Alice is trying to tug him out._

Bella: Wow. This would be a really great time for a cheesy monologue.

Carlisle: Ooh! Ooh! Can I do it? You know, our family may be unconventional, but on the inside...blah, blah, blah.

Emmett: That was beautiful.

Edward: Cue the 'inspirational family moment' music!


	4. Slinkies and Skittles

**A/N: **Hey!! So yeah ... I got another one up! Remember, dear ones (Aro moment!), I ask only two things of you. Ok, like two and a half. **1. Review 2. GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS!! I will credit you, I swear. Speaking of crediting...I owe Authoress Megz some credit for this one. She gave me the inspiration. Even more FAQs would be cool! 2-and-a-half. Read my new story! It's also for Twilight, but serious-er. Yeah, I'm capable of being serious. Weird, I know. Title: My True Other Half. :) N-joy.**

-.-.-.-.-.-

**10 REAL FAQ Answers (The ones the S-Meyer didn't tell you)**

_10. What does Edward do during Bella's period? _-Facebook Discussion Board

Well, dear-asker-who-exists-only-in-my-mind, it goes a little something like this-

Edward (on phone): Bella, my love! I shall come to your window and read you great Shakespearian love sonnets!

Bella (also on phone): Uhh. . . that's not going to work right now.

Edward (Yeah, he's still on the phone): Gasp! Why not, my sweet butterloaf?

Bella (she hasn't hung up yet either): I'm expecting . . . something.

Edward (if you're still confused as to whether or not he's on the phone, let me know): Like a visitor?

Bella (ditto): Sure . . . a visitor. Let's go with that.

Jacob (distantly, as if he's in the background of Bella's conversation . . . which he is): Hey Bella! Is the pizza done yet?

Edward (suspiciously): So you're not accepting company today?

Bella: Nope. Just me and Charlie . . . and my visitor.

Edward: Oh, oh I see. So I can come over later.

Bella: No.

Edward: But I'll see you at school on Monday.

Bella: Maybe you should skip school on Monday too. Go hunting or something.

Edward: B-b-b-but we have a lab to do in Biology!

Bella: I'll just do it with Mike or something.

Edward: You don't want to see me?

Bella: Now just isn't a great time for us to be together.

Edward: How can I make this better, Bella, my darling shrimp basket?

Bella: You can't. This isn't something that will just go away.

Edward: It will keep happening?

Bella: Quite often, actually.

Edward: I'm sorry.

Bella: (Sigh) It's fine.

(LATER...)

Edward: KILL ME!

Aro: Oh, great. You again. What is it this time?

Edward: My girlfriend is cheating on me!

Aro: Dude, you can not keep coming here every time you're having relationship problems!

Edward: Bella, what are you doing here?

Bella (runs and speaks in slow motion): NOOOOoooo! EEEEdwaaaaaaaard!

Edward: Yeah, ok. On the serious, though, why the hell are you here?

Bella: You can't commit suicide every time I forget to buy tampons!

Edward: Oh. Gross.

_9. Why the title _Breaking Dawn? -Steph's BD FAQ

The original plot to Breaking Dawn was thus:

A beautiful vampire named Dawn finds the Cullens.

Dawn: In order to ensure that no horrible fanfic-like things happen in this book, I am here unexpectedly with an amazing power that will keep you all entertained for hours!

ALL CULLENS: YAY!

Dawn: I can transform into . . . A SLINKY!

ALL CULLENS: YAY!

(Dawn transforms into cheap plastic slinky)

Emmett: Aww . . . she's the cheap plastic kind.

Bella: I WANNA PLAY!

Edward: Bella, you're a strong newborn, and Dawn is merely a cheap plastic Slinky. You could snap her right in half with your pinky finger.

Bella: MINE!

(Bella Breaks Dawn snicker. It's a PUN!)

Emmett: MOOOOM! BELLA BROKE MY TOY!!

Esme: Bella, please apologize.

Bella: NO! MINE! MY TOY!

Esme: Bella, you are one bratty newborn.

_8. Is Billy actually Ephriam? -Steph's BD FAQ_

WTF? Where did that come from?

Billy Heavy sarcasm: Yes! Nothing gets past you guys! I am TOTALLY my grandfather. Yep. Because I'm like fifty-something and not a werewolf in any shape or form...so I was DEFINITELY alive last time the Cullens were around. Could you guys be any stupider? Oh, and while we're on the subject of aliases, Jacob and Leah are actually the same person, and Embry is just a figment of your imagination. Screw you.

_7. Why the big build-up for the fight that didn't happen?_ -Steph's BD FAQ

S. Meyer: You see, my dear fannies, in the Fan Fiction that I based my story off of, the fight didn't actually happen either! Oh, um, I mean . . . cuz people die in fights. And I didn't want people to die in the fight. Plus I wanted Bella to be able to show off a little bit and for Renesmee to be in extreme danger, so that ending just seemed to work out perfectly.

_6. Why the name Renesmee? -Steph's FAQ_

Because Jasplisle, Charsalie, Arcaicus, Renlie, Mike, Albus Severus, Alicob, Rosemett, Philsme, and Tyleric just didn't fit right.

_5. Why does Lauren hate Bella so much? -Discussion Board_

It started like this-

Lauren: Where the eff are my Skittles?

Bella: Oh, those were yours?

Lauren: OMFG, New Girl, you did NOT steal my Skittles!

Bella: I thought they were like 'Welcome to Forks' Skittles!!

Lauren: I WILL CUT YOU!

_4. Do the Cullen men wear underwear? Seriously, there are a couple times in BD where Edward just like puts pants on. -Discussion Board_

This question is one that can't be answered by Stephenie Meyer, because that would be boring. Instead, I took it upon myself to interview the Cullen men about their undergarments.

Carlisle: There was no such thing as underwear when I was human, so I did not wear them until recently, when Esme began buying me tighter pants.

Emmett: I wear boxers and let them hang out of my pants. My favorite pair has grizzly bears on them.

Edward: I'm pretty sure that you wear tighty-whitey's. With TEDDY bears on them.

Emmett: Don't tell me how to live my life! How about your underpants, Eddie?

Edward: Well, really, I do, but for some reason, Stephenie Meyer makes me dress very quickly so I never have time to put them on. It's annoying.

S. Meyer: YOU ARE ALL MY PUPPETS!! DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE!!

Jasper: JASPER SAD!

_3. Can the Cullens get drunk? _-Twilight Lexicon Personal Correspondence #9

Here is to goes. Yes, it turns out. Even thought they don't eat or drink anything but blood, they get drunk quite often. Here's what Christmas was like last year:

Emmett: DECK THE HALLS WITH LOTS OF . . . Uh. .

Alice: -Giggles hysterically-

Emmett: Rudolph the Red-Nosed EDWARD!

Alice: -Falls off chair onto floor, still laughing-

Edward: HEY! My nose is not RED! It's . . . it's . . . where's Dawn? I want to play slinky!

Rosalie: I'm PRETTY! I'm like . . . really PRETTY!

Emmett: FA LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH . . . . LAH!

Rosalie: You don't think I'm pretty! -sobs- I'm such a fat COW.

Edward: Seriously, I love you guys. Seriously . . . honestly. I love you guys with my whole heart. I . . . where's Jasper?

Jasper: JASPER SAD! -jumps off roof-

Emmett: Aw . . . who let the emo guy drink?

In short, no. They can't.

_2. What happened to Billy that he can't walk anymore? -Twilight Lexicon Personal Correspondence_

One day, not long ago, the very muscular and svelte Billy Black was wandering through the woods for no apparent reason. Out of nowhere comes...CHUCK NORRIS! Chuck was jealous, for Billy's muscular and svelte legs were much better than Chuck's own. In order to ensure that no one would ever know that Billy Black had amazing legs, he struck Billy paralyzed. As for the people who'd seen Billy before, Chuck erased their memories with only flaring his left nostril.

_1. Were the Twilight movie casting directors HIGH? -Half of the fanpires/Twilighters/crazed fangirls out there_

...Answer: Yeah. I think so.


	5. Tickling with Feathers

**A/N: **Guess what? I'm not doing the thing I told you all about in the last chapter! It's too much work, I'm too busy, and I don't feel like it. So HA. Anyway.. Here's a kinda-sorta funny chapter to get you through the week. Love, Maddiekinz.

**10 Things Edward Regularly Does While Bella is Sleeping**

10. Reads her diary and laughs at all the sappy things she writes about him.

9. Writes sappy things about Bella in his diary.

8. Reads her books and writes his own commentary in the margins.

7. Plays Guitar Hero so he can get good enough to challenge Aro next time they get together.

6. Replaces her reading lamp's light with a tanning bulb and lays there. No results yet.

5. Has conversations with her while she sleep-talks. For example:

_B: The Volturi! They're coming!_

_E: They're going to eat you!_

_B: But I don't want them to!_

_E: You better start dancing, then!_

_B: OK!_

4. Rearranges her furniture just to see if she can tell in the morning.

3. Tickles her face with a feather and giggles while she sleepily swats it away.

2. Tries on her clothes and walks around the house pretending to trip over things.

1. Takes a picture of himself laying next to her and sends it via cell phone to Mike, along with the caption: 'Hey Newton, jealous, much? :P'


	6. Edward Trots Off

**10 OOC OOCs Return!**

_When Jasper sets fire to Alice's closet in a totally lame suicide attempt, how do the 10 OOCs respond?_

_.x._

10. **Emo Jasper -** "JASPER SAD! JASPER DIDN'T DIE!"

Edward: Dude, you suck. You could have just hung yourself with Alice's many colorful scarves!

Emo Jasper: Oh . . . um . . . look over there! Bella is talking to Jacob!

Edward: Dammit, Jasper. (Sigh). Off to the Volturi I trot, then. _Nooobody knows..the trouble I've seen . . . _

9**. Flirty Bella** - Oh, Jacob. All my favorite panties were in that closet! What do I do now?

Jacob: Um. . . I don't know.

Bella: Since my husband is attempting suicide again, do you want to help me shop for some more?

Jacob: No?

Bella: Oh, I guess I'll go find a manhole to stand over. I hope it doesn't blow my skirt up!

Jacob: You do that . . .

8. **Baby Nessie - **Momma (by the way, lil Author's Note here: I HATE it when people spell Mama as Momma. I pronounce it in my head with a long O. Gah. Anyway-), where Daddy? Him go to Volturi? Uh-oh!

Jacob: Nessie, why is your skin all cold? You're supposed to be warm!

Nessie: Naughty Fanfic writers give me cold skin! Brr! Hee Hee!!

Jacob: Holy crap, you're annoying.

7**. Totally Accepting Charlie** - Wow this closet is really charred. Just like a steak. Speaking of steak, Bells, I'm starved, cook me something, would ya?

Bella: Dad, I'm a vampire. I don't remember how to cook anymore.

Charlie: Oh, right. That whole vampire thing again.

Bella: Wow, Dad. As long as you're being totally accepting, Nessie was birthed after only a few weeks of pregnancy and almost killed me!

Charlie: Well, that's sure something else. It's kinda warm in here. Where's the thermostat?

Edward: I've been sleeping in your house for over a year! You never knew about it!

Charlie: Uh-oh! If I weren't so totally accepting I might shoot you!

6.** Shopping Addicted Alice - **What. The. HELL, JASPER BURRITO WHITLOCK CULLEN?!

Emmett: Dude, your middle name is 'burrito'?

Jasper: I was Southern. What can I say?

Alice: I HAD A LIMITED EDITION DOONEY & BOURKE BAG IN THERE! DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE TO SHIP ANOTHER ONE?! _DO YOU?!_

Jasper: Out-Of-Character Alice . . . you haven't said S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G in two whole sentences! Honey, I'm so proud! That rehab center I sent you to must have really helped!

Alice: Oh, sweetie pie! I forgot that I was out-of-character for a moment. Sorry to disappoint. BELLA! LET'S SHOP! WE shop HAVE shop TO shop SHOP shop NOW shoppity shop shop!

Jasper: I'll get you a new bag!

Alice: *attacks Jasper with a knife*

Emmett: Alice, it's a knife. It's not going to do anything except allow him to try to cut himself to release his inner emo pain.

**5. Super Stupid Emmett** - Everyone grab some Twinkies! We have a job to do!

Bella: Why do we need Twinkies?

Emmett: We're insulating the house against more fire damage! Everyone knows that Twinkies are fire-resistant!

Bella: No . . . no they aren't.

Emmett: Then we'll have to resort to using Rosalie's hair. *Picks up scissors*

Rosalie: *Decapitates husband*

**4. BFF Rosalie** - OMG, Bella babe, are you okay? That fire didn't hurt you, did it?

Bella: No, Rosalie. I'm fine . . . thanks for your inexplicable and vaguely frightening concern . . .

Rosalie: No problem, hon! Let's go to Abercrombie & Fitch! They have some totally cute new jeans that I am just dying to buy you!

Bella: I'm confused and frightened! Leave me alone!

Rosalie *creepy voice*: Come with me Bella. We'll be best friends forever. And ever. And ever. And ever.

Bella: Look! It's Dr. House!

Rosalie: What the - Why is House here?

House: You have aplastic anemia.

Rosalie: No, I don't.

House: It's not lupus.

Rosalie: I know it's not lupus! I'm healthy!

House: Your hands show signs of clubbing. Is there a history of heart disease in your family?

Rosalie: I'm afraid for my health! *Runs away screaming*

Bella: Thanks, Dr. House!

House: Everybody lies. *Shoots up into the sky*

Esme: Wow. I'm suddenly attracted to him despite the fact that he's a scruffy drug-addict.

Edward: I'm back -

Bella: I agree with you on that one, Esme.

Edward: - aw, damn. *Gets out phone* I need the next flight to Italy. Yes. It's me again.

**3. Totally Mom-ish Esme** - Oh, Emmett, dear! You look chilly! Here's a blankie for my special boy!

Emmett: Esme -

Esme: CALL ME MOMMY!

Emmett: Mommy . . . I'm not cold.

Esme: PUT IT ON!

Emmett: Okay, okay.

Esme: Alice, I've packed your lunch!

Alice: I-I'm not going anywhere.

Esme: Oh, of course. Edward, take this for your flight.

Edward: Thanks mom! I'll call you with my final goodbye when I get to Italy!

Esme: Have a safe flight, dear!

**2. Power-Abusing Jasper** - I want Bella to fall in love with me! *sends wave of love toward Bella*

Bella: I'm in love with Jasper!

House: But you have AIDS. You can't be in love with Jasper.

Jasper: OMG IT'S HOUSE! *Sends wave to love towards House*

House: Your powers have no effect on me. I have no soul.

Jasper: JASPER SAD!

**1. Grandfather-ish Aro**

Aro: Nessie, my dear one!

Nessie: Hi, Aro . . .

Aro: Come sit on Uncle Aro's lap. I shall tell you all about the days when the Black Plague ran rampant throughout all of Europe, killing hundreds of thousands of people.

Nessie: No. That's ok . . .

Aro: Here's a lump of molasses candy for you to eat, sweet spirit.

Nessie: Oh, um, no. I . . . no. Thanks, though.

House: The molasses sent a signal to her brain instructing it to make too much insulin which caused -

Esme: MARRY ME!


	7. More Skittles Plus a Snuggie!

**A/N: Just so you all know..I have nothing against the Snuggie, people that enjoy Skittles, or the **_**Notebook.**_

**10 Cullen Nicknames and How They Got Them!**

**10. Jasper "Jazz" Hale - **Well, Steph Meyer didn't get much right when she wrote the book. See, Jasper wasn't a Confederate soldier, he was a **jazz**/blues singer down in the Big Easy. Alice fell in love with him when he played his signature song:

_I got no friends! (Dah NUH nah-nah _Um, that's supposed to be the blues trumpet dealie. Bear with me!_)_

_I'm so damn sad! (Dah NUH nah-nah)_

_If you don't like emo guys, then baby (pause)_

_THAT'S TOO BAD!_

_I---- got the emo boy blues _

_I keep my razorblade on a shelf!_

_Blood all over my shoes_

_From cutting my emo self!_

**9. Alice "Creepy Midget" Cullen **- Long Story - When Emmett was first changed he - like an elephant is afraid of a mouse - was absolutely terrified of Alice and thought that her name was a curse, so he called her 'You-Know-Who', but everyone got confused and thought he was talking about Voldemort (yeah, Cullens are huge HP fangirls . . . even the boys) so Emmett began to refer to her as Creepy Midget. Jasper thought it was hilarious and convinced Emmett that Alice is actually the bride of Chucky in disguise. That did not help at all.

**8. Esme "Gigi Glitz" Cullen - **Um, this one is from a very dark part of Esme's past that she would rather I didn't talk about . . . cough-itwasherstrippername-cough. Oh, pardon me.

**7. Rosalie "Regina George" Hale -** Ok, what the hell? I am _so_ not like Regina George this is so effing retarded!

(Bella walks by..)

Rose: OMG, that is cute a cute bracelet! Where did you get it?

Bella: Oh, um, Jacob made the wolf and -

Rose: So cute. (Turns to Alice, speaks in whispers) That is the ugliest effing bracelet I have ever seen.

Alice: Wow, you're a bitch.

**5**. **Aro A.K.A. 'Leader of the Snuggie Cult" **- Oh. My. God. Look at this! It's a SNUGGIE! Have you SEEN this? Oh, god. It's a blanket with _sleeves_. This is so fricken _convenient! _Look! Felix, LOOK! I can totally dismember this human with my hands while the rest of my body stays totally warm!

Jane: You do know that you can't feel cold -

Aro: Silence! This Snuggie is so long that it will fit everyone from you, dear little Jane, to Felix's massive bod! And we can all get them in burgundy to match our eyes! This is so AMAZING! Who thought of this? Who?!

Alec: Um . . .

Aro: Find him and change him immediately! He's got to be _genius_ for coming up with this! It's a blanket, BUT IT HAS SLEEVES! OMG!

**4. Nessie "Mrs. Skittles" Cullen- ***opens package of Skittles*

Emmett: Ooh, look what Nessie's eating!

Nessie: Yeah . . . they're Skittles.

Emmett: You like Skittles, don't you Nessie?

Nessie: Um, obviously?

Emmett: *Tries to hold back laughter* Well, if you like them so much, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY THEM? *Guffaws*

Nessie: No thanks. That's really okay.

Emmett: We could get you a rainbow-colored wedding dress.

Nessie: I get it, Emmett . . .

Emmett: Should I start calling you Mrs. Skittles?

Nessie: You just overdid it.

**3. Carlisle "Fabio" Cullen** - Alright, this is the last straw. You've publicized our private histories quite enough!

Me: . . . No. In fact, I have not. Roll the tape! Er, write the explanatory paragraph!

Once upon a time, back when Carlisle was, for some reason, hurting for money, he posed for several romance novel covers such as _The Hidden Heart Beats On_, _Love Me Beyond the Garden Gate, Forget-Me-Nots in June, _and the ever-popular _Me and My Pogo-Stick. _Um, that last one wasn't really a romance novel.

**2 . Emmett "Mr. Sensitive" Cullen - ***watching _The Notebook_* Oh, Allie! Why didn't your mother give you the letters?

Bella : Em . . . what the hell are you doing?

Emmett: *wipes tears from eyes* Oh, nothing. I, uh, um.

Bella : Oh. Em. Gee. Is this the part where Allie has to choose between Noah and Lon?

Emmett: You - you're a _Notebook_ lover, too?

Bella: Duh! I'm a girl! We're programmed to love _The Notebook!_

Emmett - Tell Edward and Jasper, and I will eat you. Seriously.

Bella: Scoot over and pass me the Kleenex, Mr. Sensitive!

**1. Jacob "Pup" Black - **Edward! You must give me your firstborn!

Edward: Wow, this isn't puppy-ish in any possible way. Hmm . . . how shall I make this relevant to the sub-title? Eureka! *Takes shiny ball from pocket*

Jacob: Wow . . . that's . . . the most beautiful ball I've ever -

Edward: *Gasp* You want the ball, Jakey? You want the ball?

Jacob: Yes. I would throughly enjoy-

Edward: Ooh, it's a pretty ball, isn't it Jake?

Jacob: It's lovely. Now if you'd just give it to me -

Edward: Go get it! *Throws ball*

Jacob: Yay! *Barks and runs after ball*


End file.
